My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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