it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We left the knife in your bed.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
