1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
