Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
