Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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