it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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