They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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