I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
