I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
