why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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