I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
