You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
