haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
