I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
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In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
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He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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