she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
