im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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