well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
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Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.