New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
