I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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