Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
