it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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