Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
