I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i drank out of a bidet.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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