Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
