i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
