Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
