So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
