I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
