my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
