Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
