Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
