I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
