Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
