Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
