Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
