I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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