I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
