I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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