How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
