WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Randomize
