a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
