allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
