he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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