just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
