so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
