I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You coming home soon, man?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.