o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Randomize
