Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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