I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
