Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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