Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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