Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
