Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
