Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
